Running at the Mouth

Five at Five

1. David Spade is reportedly dating Heather Locklear.  There is no God.
2. EDSBS has an exclusive report on Urban Meyer's continuing troubles at Starbucks.  It's just like you would find in The Onion, except, you know, funny.
3. First, this is one of the great blog post titles of all time.  Second, it links to a really cool article about sharks, which both fascinate and utterly terrify me.
4. Tattoo lesson of the day:  If you're going to get foreign characters permanently affixed to your skin, either be fluent in that language or rely on a trustworthy source (i.e., not the guy about to give you the tattoo).  Otherwise, go with a picture.

   The now-defunct and wildly underrated sitcom "Committed" had a bit about this.  The TBC (token black character, formerly of "Family Matters, by the way, who brought nothing to the table) had a chinese tattoo that he thought meant "fiery strength."  Until the chinese food delivery guy informed him that it actually meant "little bitch."  He ultimately resolved the situation by having the tattoo modified to read "lemon chicken," his favorite chinese dish.

5. Finally, this post is the primary reason why I added Go Fug Yourself to my blogroll.  Best takedown of Sharon Stone evah.

To Quote Nelson Muntz: HA Ha!

Because it's pretty much required of all bloggers to slag ESPN.com's Bill Simmons (mainly because he parlayed his blog into one of the sweetest jobs of all-time), I must ridicule him for this:  he admitted yesterday that he got rejected for admission by Georgetown.  Georgetown!  Hell, I didn't even know they were still an accredited university.  I mean, Georgetown is that girl in high school who sleeps with everybody.  And Bill Simmons is that guy who goes out with her on the strength of her reputation, and doesn't even come close to closing the deal.

It is to laugh.

Good Stuff From Around the Interweb

Instead of a Five at Five, I'm just linking the stuff that I've seen today that I've enjoyed, most of which comes from blogs on my sidebar.  Basically, it's stuff that I wish I'd written, if only I were clever enough.

• Sweet video of the 2006 Div. I indoor mile championship race.  To call it a kicker's race is to put it mildly.  Just watch the splits, and watch them go from a jog to a sprint at 800m (2:18, 1:54).
• I'm not sure where the Creator of Worlds found this picture of Algore, but it makes my skin crawl.  Don't miss the comments, either (which include an appearance by the inimitable iowahawk).
• Dave at Garfield Ridge is on effin' fire.  Here he steals Power Line's thunder by eviscerating uber-douche E.J. Dionne's latest tripe; and then he deftly exposes the Democrats' latest agenda for what it is -- an avoidance of the biggest issues of the highest order.
• It's as if Britney Spears wakes up in the morning and tries to come up with a new way to act like an ignorant hillbilly.
• Because thinking is hard and no film producer can come up with an original idea anymore, all of my fond childhood TV memories have been corrupted by shitty Hollywood adaptations.  Ice Cube strips the last vestige of goodness from me, as he plans to do a big screen adaptation of Welcome Back, Kotter.  It's times like these when I wish Max Zorin had succeeded in filling the San Andreas fault with water, or Superman didn't thwart Lex Luthor's plot to wipe California off the map with MX missiles.

Five O'Clock Five

Two days in a row.  You probably shouldn't get used to it.

• Jim Tressel Cheatypants McSweatervest, Ohio State's paragon of discipline, class and integrity, has allowed a player convicted of fifth degree felonious drug trafficking back on the team.  Hey, it's not as bad as it sounds.  I mean, the player is not on scholarship anymore or anything.  Yet.
• TiVo alert:  The World Indoor Track & Field Championships will be on OLN on Sunday, from 3-5 p.m.
• The IRS intends to tax everyone who received an Oscar gift bag (valued, by the way, at $100,000).  Good; let those irritating drama-majors-that-we-made-fun-of-in-college-grown-older show us by their shining example that giving our money away to fund programs and initiatives that we may not agree with is how we should live.  You know, instead of just telling us that's what we (not they) ought to do.
• This is the saddest story you'll read today.  A family of retards, sired by a brother and sister, have to walk around on all fours because they can't walk any other way.  They are the subject of a BBC documentary.
• Sir Anthony Hopkins, making sense about Hollywood directors and celebrities:

"I can't get caught up in the self-importance. People bow to your every wish and you forget where you come from and what you're doing," he told the magazine.

"I recently worked with two actors who wouldn't come out of their trailers for some reason.

"Can you figure that out? It's insanity. Or they complain because their trailers aren't big enough.

"Bulls***. It's a job, like any other, so don't make a big deal. Be polite, treat the crew with respect and don't think you're different."

He also calls films "condescending."  [Link via Ace of Spades and Garfield Ridge.]

As I commented at Garfield Ridge, it's a good thing he's Sir Anthony Hopkins. Otherwise, this would be like in Jerry Maguire where all of the other agents are applauding him and patting him on the back ("Someone finally said it!") while simultaneously starting a betting pool on how soon he'll be fired.

If it were a middling actor, say, Pierce Brosnan or even Brian Dennehy, he wouldn't be able to get a gig co-hosting a "Set it and forget it!" infomercial with Ron Popeil after making comments like these.

Five at Five

Once again, the Five at Five returns, only to likely disappear for three more months.  Anyway, on to the links:

• Jermaine Jackson was going to presumably admit perjury and write a "tell-all" book about Michael and his boy-lovin' ways, as well as other family secrets.  Until Michael threatened and bullied him.  Bullied by Michael Jackson.  Maybe Jermaine should write an autobiography instead, sharing with the world what it's like to be the biggest pussy who ever lived.
• The Washingon Post finds a "majority of Americans believe Iraq civil war likely."  To which I reply, "Big effin' deal what a majority of Americans think."  All this shows is that all of the breathless MSM reports about the war between the Sunnis and Shiites -- for which there hasn't been a shred of actual evidence, by the way -- are finding their mark.  Do not doubt for one second that the MSM wants us to lose.
• Julio Franco would be my new favorite baseball player on the strength of this article, except that he drives a Hummer.
• The South Bend Tribune's Jason Kelly, whose articles on the football team I almost always enjoy, gets it exactly wrong in this piece, in which he blames Notre Dame basketball's mediocrity on ND's facilities, not Mike Brey.  Hogwash.  There are plenty of tiny schools that get two or three teams into the Tourney every year.  It's on the coach to recruit talent.  Jim Calhoun built a powerhouse at a school in the middle of nowhere with crap facilities.  And didn't whine about it.  Whining about the facilities is an excuse.
• Here are two cool articles about a recent breakfast between Paul Tergat and Haile Gebrselassie in Nairobi.  After going out of their way to compliment one another, they discuss their tremendous Olympic 10,000M final and how distance running can be packaged for mass appeal.

My First Meme

I've never taken up a web meme before, because they've all seemed kind of lame.  But, this one is good enough that I'll finally break my cherry.  I found it here, on the outstanding Everyday Should Be Saturday.

1.  What is the worst video/DVD you own?  Thankfully, movies owned by spouses do not count (my wife has some real God-awful crap, e.g., Camp Cucamonga (starring a young Jennifer Aniston, Cliff Claven and the guy who played the leather-jacket-clad Eric on Head of the Class) and Simply Irresistable (starring Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Sean Patrick "I couldn't carry Sir Alec Guinness's jockstrap in a suitcase" Flanery)).

For my part, it has to be The Adventures of Ford Fairlane.  Dice Clay at his finest, and Wayne Newton gives a tour-de-force performance.  But it's still shit, and I know it.  One could also argue that Rad is the worst, but Rad is cool in a "this movie was so sweet when I was 11 years old" kind of way.  And, Bart Conner is dreamy.

2.  What is the worst concert you've ever seen in person?  This one should be tougher for me, since I've seen the Monkees (a reunion tour without Mike Nesmith) and DJ Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince.  But, hands down, it has to be Jackyl.  (Who, according to this site, had a fucking platinum album!  That means there are, what?, at least ten million people out there that the government should step in a put to sleep.) 

In my defense, it's not like I bought tickets specifically for Jackyl.  They opened for Aerosmith, and my buddy Steve and I purposely arrived late, but we still caught about 15 minutes of their set.  The worst part?  The drummer played without pants.  And our seats were behind the stage.

3.  What is the worst experience you've ever had at a restaurant?  This question is perfect for me.  Everyone who has ever dined with me knows that I'm a magnet for shitty service.  Either we'll be stuck at the table in the dining room's "dead zone," i.e., the one table that's really in no one's section, so every waiter thinks someone else has it covered, or the waitress will disappear for so long that you're ready to file a missing person's report.

I've had so many sub-par dining experiences that I can't choose one.  I can't.  I won't.  I'll share with you three:

• Uno's, Dayton OH -- I used to work in downtown Dayton.  There are only about 3 restaurants within walking distance, and one of them is Uno's.  Under no circumstances would I have ever chosen to eat there otherwise, but I digress.  I order a sandwich, asking to hold the tomato and honey mustard.  Twenty-five minutes later (the usual wait for an entree -- perfect for a rushed business lunch!), the sandwich comes out with no tomato, and loaded with honey mustard.  So I politely tell the waitress that that wasn't what I ordered, apologizing profusely for being difficult and having to send the sandwich back.  So, fifteen minutes later (obviously they were really rushing to atone for the mistake), the sandwich comes out, again with the honey mustard.  It was probably the same one, to be honest.  Again, I politely explain the situation to the waitress, and this time ask for the sandwich to go, since I have to get back to work.  And, knowing that they basically have a captive clientele since there's nowhere else to eat, the manager refuses to give me a break on my bill. 

Another fifteen minutes go by, the sandwich comes out.  I don't check it; I mean, why would I?  They couldn't possibly fuck it up the same way three times, right?  Wrong.  I get back to my office, open the box, peel back the bread, and behold!  The damned thing is slathered with honey mustard.  I was about this close to firebombing the place.

• I'm in Detroit for my company's quarterly meeting.  I'm having breakfast in a little coffee shop down the street from our office.  I lift the top pancake to butter the middle one.  Revealing an eight-inch black hair.  And, instead of taking the meal off the bill, the owner offered me a free appetizer on my next visit.  My next visit!
• My wife and I made the mistake of going to The Spaghetti Warehouse in Columbus on a Saturday night.  After waiting almost two hours for a table, we're taken to a filthy booth, with no silverware, no menus, no nothing.  Twenty minutes later, and not a single waiter has even glanced at our table.  We throw up our hands, and seek out the manager.  After politely explaining the situation, she asked, clearly annoyed, "What?  Would you like another table?"  Part of me just wanted to kill her and do the mandatory sentence.

4.  What is the worst movie you've ever seen in the theater?  I'm excluding here any movies that I took my wife to in hopes that I'd get laid afterward.

The worst movie I've seen in the theater is First Knight.  But.  This was also one of the best theater-going experiences I've ever had, because my buddy Steve and I managed to pull a MST3K routine that got some good laughs and actually drove people from the theater.

5.  What is the worst book you've finished?  Prince Caspian.  It took me about three weeks to finish because I kept falling asleep.  Honest to God.  A close second:  One Door Away from Heaven, by Dean Koontz.  Its badness cannot be measured by existing technology.

I Accept

Attorney-blogger-friend-member of the Academy (which Academy?  I don't know.)  Don Burton, an OSU graduate, has slapped me with his blog-gloves over the impending Fiesta Bowl matchup our respective law school alma maters.  He's thrown down the gauntlet, and I'm doing whatever it is one is supposed to do with the discarded gauntlet to accept the challenge.

Don has graciously staked this lovely jogging Brutus Buckeye (though I'm trying to figure out why Brutus is wearing black leather gloves; did he rob A.J. Hawk's apartment right before posing for the statue or what?), which will, indeed, look great in my office after Notre Dame wins.  In the unlikely event that Notre Dame has to forfeit the game, giving the victory to the Suckeyes, I will purchase for Don's office this breathtaking helmet figurine, so he finally has something to distract the attention from the fez and MST3K magnets that currently adorn his shelf and wall.  And, just because it's funny as hell, I'll throw in this Lou Holtz doll (even though it's Holtz in his Arkansas days).

The fact is, I could stake pretty much anything, since this bet is such a sure thing.  I mean, the only way Jesus lets his Mother's University lose its 11th straight bowl game is if he's still pissed off about The Shirt.  He's got to be over that by now, doesn't He?

Stuff I Read Today

Lamest post title ever, I know.  Unfortunately, with my pea-sized intellect I couldn't come up with anything better.  And I should probably be ashamed that three of the following five articles are from amateur lefty webzine Slate, but I'm not.

• Dahlia Lithwick, a law school graduate, senior editor of amateur lefty webzine Slate, and apparent simpleton, epitomizes "begging the question" in this recap of the oral argument before the Supreme Court in the case of Georgia v. Randolph.  At issue is whether an occupant of a home may consent to a search over the objection of the home's co-occupant (in the case, a husband and wife).  Here is her conclusion:

To my mind, this is not a hard case—and for the same reason O'Connor keeps hammering at this morning. Of course I accept that my expectation of privacy in my home was somewhat diminished the day I married my husband. But his "right" to invite the cops to search my underwear drawer can't possibly be as forceful as my constitutionally enshrined right to keep them out.

Emphasis mine.  What "constitutionally enshrined right to keep them out?"  The whole point of the case is to decide whether such a right indeed exists.  And for this kind of analysis, Slate pays her the big bucks.  What a joke.

• Sports Illustrated has a terrific article about Brady Quinn in the Nov. 14 issue.  I almost crapped my pants when I read this revelation contained in the article:

Quinn threw for 2,200 yards and 21 touchdowns his junior season, leading the Rocks to the state semifinals and thrusting himself onto the radar of Division I coaches across the nation. By the end of what Robin calls "his world tour" the following summer -- she chauffeured him to football camps at Ohio State, Michigan, Tennessee, Louisville, South Carolina and Kentucky, among others -- he had fielded dozens of scholarship offers.

It rankled him that none of the offers came from South Bend. Quinn's go-to receiver at Dublin Coffman was Chinedum Ndukwe, whose older brother, Kelechi, graduated from Notre Dame. Several times Quinn had accompanied the Ndukwes to the campus for football games. The school had worked its magic on him, but his affection was unrequited.

That changed in July 2002, when Chinedum and his parents made an unofficial visit to South Bend. (Chinedum would be offered a scholarship and is now a defensive back for the Fighting Irish.) Toward the end of the visit Chinedum's father, Stephen, offered a suggestion to then coach Ty Willingham, "You need to get Brady Quinn up here."

If, after reading that, there is any doubt that Tyrone Willingham was terrible head football coach, there is nothing more we can say to each other.  Brady Quinn was highly touted by the recruiting services.  He wanted to come to Notre Dame.  He played in the Division I (biggest schools) state semifinal in a talent-rich state.  Willingham was recruiting Quinn's No. 1 wide receiver in Ndukwe.  How did Willingham not notice the guy who was throwing Ndukwe the ball?  Basically, Willingham needed a recruit's parents to point out the guy who will eventually hold every meaningful passing record at ND, and likely become ND's first top-5 top-6 draft pick since Tim Brown.

• My buddy and frequent commenter Adam H. sent me this great link to a two-paragraph announcement that Tommy Caldwell has become the second person ever to free The Nose route on Yosemite's El Capitan in a day.  He redpointed every pitch but one.  And while he may not have done it first, he did it with a surgically-reattached index finger.  He's a true hardman, and would have more than held his own among the legendary climbers who called Yosemite's Camp 4 "home" during the '60s and '70s, considered by many (mainly those who lived it) to be the golden era of wall climbing.  And that's high praise indeed.
• Daniel Gross, writing for contrarian amateur fanzine Slate, posits that Las Vegas tourism is slowing because there are plenty of casinos nationwide, so there is much less reason to travel to the desert.  Personally, I think tourism is slowing because people generally don't like to get nickled-and-dimed to death, which has become the norm at every hotel on the Strip.  Either way, I hope growth continues to slow so maybe I could afford to visit more than once a year.

I've long held that best way for airlines to become instantly solvent would be to divert 80% of their flights to Vegas, and cap ticket prices at $200 round trip.  If, as Gross writes, Vegas hotels are feeling a pinch, why doesn't one of them (or all of them) work together with the airlines to subsidize fares and bring the cost of the ticket down?  If I can save $100 on my ticket, besides being a huge incentive to go to Vegas in the first place, that's $100 more I have to lose at the casino.  How is this a bad idea?

• Finally, Tommy Craggs, a staff writer for SF Weekly and guest contributor to amateur lefty contrarian e-zine Slate, eloquently and humorously explains why I hate horseracing so much:  The Myth of the Working-Class Racehorse.  The second paragraph is quite funny, and the illustration of a horse carrying a lunch pail is giggle-worthy by itself (probably due to the look on the horse's face -- okay, I'm a goofball).

UPDATE (11/11/05):  For whatever reason, I just assumed that Tim Brown, a Heisman Trophy winner, would be drafted in the top 5, so I didn't check.  I checked this morning; he was the sixth pick.  Loose shit on my part, and I apologize.

In case you're curious, here are the five players drafted ahead of Brown:  Aundray Bruce, Neil Smith, Bennie Blades, Paul Gruber, and Rickey Dixon (by the Bengals, natch).  Way to go, Atlanta and Cincinnati!

Tuesday Night Links

• For my buddy Adam, I give you Wade Blasingame, the attorney who sues dogs.  He is, indeed, man's best friend.  [Link via Garfield Ridge.]
• Call me spelunker, because I'm totally caving on my anti-iPod ethic.  All because of the beautiful, wonderful, magical, super fantastic 60GB video iPod.  It is useless to resist . . . all of my base are belong to Steve Jobs.
• Remember in Star Trek IV, when Scotty and McCoy trade the formula for transparent aluminum for . . . something that I don't remember.  Nevermind.  My point is, Air Force engineers are testing transparent aluminum as a new armor for ground and air vehicles.  I am simply staggered by the fact that something that seemed impossible fewer than two decades ago is now a reality.  These are, indeed, amazing times.  [Link via Ace of Spades guestblogger Harry Callahan.]
• Finally, I give you Michele Catalano's reasoned, sensible post on the idiocy of lavish proms and drinking with parental supervision.  Her take on why it's better to teach your children to make good choices than to allow them to make poor choices in a "safe" environment is much clearer and more thoughtful than mine.  And, Michele knows whereof she speaks moreso than me, considering she actually has children.

Wednesday Link Dump

I haven't been posting lately, despite lots of good stuff on the web, because I figure everyone is reading the same stuff I am.  That's probably wrong, so here are some of the items I've enjoyed so far this week:

You may have noticed that I added and subtracted from my blogroll. Dave, proprietor of the excellent blog Garfield Ridge, has been on effin' fire lately. Start here, here and here. And be sure to check him out every day, because every day he has something good.

The media and the blogosphere have been making a lot of hay lately over the fact that adult film star Mary Carey attended a GOP fundraiser yesterday.  The primary claim seems to be that President Bush "had dinner with a porn star" or some such nonsense. What's the big deal, really? As a citizen, she had just as much right to attend as anyone else, as long as she ponied up for her plate. Second, it's not like it was some intimate affair; basically, she sat in a huge room with 5,000 other people, one of whom was the President. If that counts as "having dinner" with him, then I had dinner over Memorial Day with Fred Couples since we were both at P.F. Chang's at the same time.

Ace reads Kaus reading Andrew Sullivan, so you don't have to.  Ace's keen advice for Excitable Andy:

Andy, I mean this in the most respectful way: Butch up. Please. You're embarassing your fellow gay men. They'd like to project an air of confident, if homosexually-directed, masculinity, not the scatterbrained frenzy of Lucy trying to keep up with the candy conveyer-belt.

To coin a phrase . . . Indeed.

The Fins have always been on the cutting edge of running technology.  After all, Finland is the country that brought us blood doping.  This time, though, it's legit.  A Finnish tech firm has devised a monumentally cool tool for marathoners:  a recorder that can capture a marathon course in 3D.  In other words, every turn, hill and dale in first-person detail.  It's like running the course without running the course.  The company has forwarded a copy of the software, along with the Helsinki World Championships course, to every competing nation.  According to the article, the software is available to everyone, but the company's website is in Finnish (or Swedish, or whatever the hell it is).

Here is more proof that newspapers, whether inadvertently or purposefully, can make people dumber.  This headline from the San Antonio Express-News screams "Diet Sodas Linked to Obesity."  Hogwash; whoever wrote that headline is a moron.  My beef is with the word "linked," which implies causation.  The study that is the subject of the piece concludes no such thing.  There is an obvious correlation, but so what?  All that means is that obese people tend to drink diet soda.  Gee, what are the fucking odds of that?