Running at the Mouth

I Hope They're Wearing Gold-Plated Diapers

Blue Oyster Cult will be headlining the Columbus Distance Classic post-race concert on Saturday.  Really?  They were available?  I would imagine they've found someone to replace Gene Frenkel on the cowbell.  Because, I'm telling you, you're going to want that cowbell in there.

According to the article, BOC has some new material.  In other words, they won't be playing Fear the Reaper and Burnin' for You ( a.k.a. the only two BOC songs anyone's ever heard of) until the very end of the set, holding their audience helpless as they subject them to their crappy new songs and preventing the mass exodus to the doors that will certainly follow.

If you run the race, you get in free with your race number.  If you don't, it will cost you $20 to see this group of has-beens.  Or, never-wases.  Or whatever.  Let's be honest:  I would feel better about wiping my ass with a twenty dollar bill than exchanging it for a BOC ticket.

Vintage movie scene:

"Do you have any Blue Oyster Cult?"

"NO!  I don't have any Blue Oyster Cult!  I ate twenty pair last time around.   Where were you?"

She's Just Sharon From Tha' Block

In a move reminiscent of when your mom would try to use current teenage slang in casual conversation, attorney/blogger/friend Don Burton hips me to this sad, desperate quote from Sharon Stone's iTunes playlist:

"For me, Biggie Smalls was the most talented rap musician/composer ever. That's it."

There's nothing more pathetic than an aging hipster.  The day I take advice about rap music from a 60 year-old white woman (wait . . . she's only 49?  Holy crow; she's got more wrinkles than a Sharpei) is the day I ask Lil' Bow Wow for recommendations on the great Big Band music of the '20's and '30's.

Let's be honest.  The only time I ever want to hear anything from Sharon Stone is when she (or her husband, but preferably she) is being mauled by a komodo dragon.

This Explains A Lot

I've often looked back at the high school me and wondered why I listened to so much classic rock, especially Led Zeppelin and The Doors (besides the fact that both bands kick f*ckin' ass), instead of the music of the time.  Well, now I know; check out the Mouth Everest of Suck that was the Top 100 Hits of 1993.  Honestly, the amount of shitshingles on this list is staggering.  Keeping with the rules of this old meme, I've bolded the songs I like, struck through the ones I hate and underlined my favorite.  I've done nothing to the ones I don't remember (or don't care about):

1. I Will Always Love You, Whitney Houston
2. Whoomp! (There It Is), Tag Team
3. Can't Help Falling In Love, UB40
4. That's The Way Love Goes, Janet Jackson
5. Freak, Silk
6. Weak, SWV
7. If I Ever Fall In Love, Shai
8. Dreamlover, Mariah Carey
9. Rump Shaker, Wreckx-N-Effect -- Shut up.  It's catchy.
10. Informer, Snow
11. Nuthin' But A "G" Thang, Dr. Dre -- Quick aside here:  the only reason I like this song is because there is a hilarious (to me, anyway) moment associated with it.  When I was a senior, me, the girl I was dating at the time, and my buddies Scott and Mike would go into the media room in the library during lunch and watch TV -- it had cable.  So, one day we're watching MTV.  You remember this video, right?  So the video's on, and a substitute librarian comes in to tell us we shouldn't be in there.  Mike goes, "Don't worry.  It's nuthin' but a G thang.  See?"  She looks at the TV, looks at us, and mutters, "Perverts."  Then she walks out.  We're laughing so hard we're crying, and my girlfriend says, "You guys are going to get in trouble!"  And Mike says, "For what?  Being a pervert?"  Guess you had to be there.
12. In The Still Of The Nite, Boyz II Men
13. Don't Walk Away, Jade
14. Knockin' Da Boots, H-Town
15. Lately, Jodeci
16. Dazzey Duks, Duice -- Shut up, it's catchy.  'Course, so's hepatits.
17. Show Me Love, Robin S.
18. A Whole New World, Peabo Bryson and Regina Belle
19. If, Janet Jackson
20. I'm So Into You, SWV
21. Love Is, Vanessa Willlams and Brian Mcknight
22. Runaway Train, Soul Asylum -- complaint rock.  Ugh.
23. I'll Never Get Over You (Getting Over Me), Expose
24. Ditty, Paperboy
25. Rhythm Is A Dancer, Snap
26. The River Of Dreams, Billy Joel
27. I'm Gonna Be (500 Miles), Proclaimers
28. Two Princes, Spin Doctors
29. Right Here (Human Nature)-Downtown, SWV
30. I Have Nothing, Whitney Houston
31. Mr. Wendal, Arrested Development
32. Have I Told You Lately, Rod Stewart
33. Saving Forever For You, Shanice
34. Ordinary World, Duran Duran
35. If I Had No Loot, Tony! Toni! Tone!
36. I'd Do Anything For Love (But I Won't Do That), Meat Loaf
37. Slam, Onyx
38. Looking Through Patient Eyes, P.M. Dawn
39. I'm Every Woman, Whitney Houston
40. Baby I'm Yours, Shai
41. Come Undone, Duran Duran
42. I Don't Wanna Fight, Tina Turner
43. I'd Die Without You, P.M. Dawn
44. Whoot, There It Is, 95 South
45. Hip Hop Hooray, Naughty By Nature
46. Another Sad Love Song, Toni Braxton
47. Will You Be There, Michael Jackson
48. Comforter, Shil
49. Good Enough, Bobby Brown
50. What's Up, 4 Non Blondes
51. All That She Wants, Ace Of Base
52. 7, Prince and The New Power Generation -- This was a guaranteed spin every single night I went out during law school.  I never went out in high school or college, which is probably why it was four years before I heard it.
53. Dre Day, Dr. Dre
54. One Last Cry, Brian McKnight
55. Just Kickin' It, Xscape
56. I Get Around, 2Pac
57. Bed Of Roses, Bon Jovi
58. Real Love, Mary J. Blige
59. Here We Go Again!, Portrait
60. Cryin', Aerosmith -- I liked it then.  Now I think it's sentimental crappy pap.
61. Cats In The Cradle, Ugly Kid Joe
62. What About Your Friends, TLC
63. I Got A Man, Positive K
64. Hey Mr. D.J., Zhane
65. Insane In The Brain, Cypress Hill
66. Deeper And Deeper, Madonna
67. Rain, Madonna
68. The Right Kind Of Love, Jeremy Jordan -- This guy's fifteen minutes came as a result of getting his video played at the end of a few episodes of 90210.  As for why I know that?  I am who I am.  Screw you for judging me!
69. Bad Boys, Inner Circle
70. That's What Love Can Do, Boy Krazy
71. Do You Believe In Us, Jon Secada
72. Angel, Jon Secada
73. Forever In Love, Kenny G
74. Again, Janet Jackson
75. Boom! Shake The Room, DJ Jazzy Jeff and Fresh Prince
76. When She Cries, Restless Heart
77. Sweat (A La La La La Long), Inner Circle
78. It Was A Good Day, Ice Cube
79. More And More, Captain Hollywood Project
80. How Do You Talk To An Angel, Heights
81. Rebirth Of Slick (Cool Like Dat), Digable Planets
82. What Is Love, Haddaway
83. To Love Somebody, Michael Bolton
84. Give It Up, Turn It Loose, En Vogue
85. Alright, Kris Kross
86. Check Yo Self, Ice Cube
87. Fields Of Gold, Sting
88. Ooh Child, Dino 89. Faithful w/ Go West
90. Reason To Believe, Rod Stewart
91. Break It Down Again, Tears For Fears
92. Nothin' My Love Can't Fix, Joey Lawrence -- Joey Effin' Lawrence.  Holy shit.
93. Three Little Pigs, Green Jelly
94. Livin' On The Edge, Aerosmith
95. Hey Jealousy, Gin Blossoms
96. If I Ever Lose My Faith In You, Sting
97. Anniversary, Tony! Toni! Tone!
98. One Woman, Jade
99. Can't Get Enough Of Your Love, Taylor Dayne
100. Two Steps Behind, Def Leppard

So there you go.  Now, who among us could blame me for listening to Cream, Steppenwolf, Led, The Doors, The Beatles, The Stones, et al.?

Mariah Carey Rips Off Homestar

I saw on The Superficial -- which uses some coarse language and the occasional NSFW photo, but always delivers lots and lots of funny -- that Mariah Carey drew abdominal muscles on for a 4th of July performance.  You know, I hate to laugh at the clinically insane, but come on.  I think she used Strong Bad's Ab-Abber 2000, and that she exercised her cloits with the ease of a thousandaire. 

WATFO*, Celebrity Edition

1. Courtney Love has been cast to play Linda Lovelace in the upcoming biopic.
2. Whitney Houston is in rehab.  Again.
3. A rap artist calling himself "C-Murder," a convicted murderer, lost his latest appeal.
4. The Ashton Kutcher vehicle Guess Who sucks.

At this rate, I fully expect Bronson Pinchot to show up on The Surreal Life.  What?  That, too, has happened?  Shit.

Nothing Says "Thank You" Like Puerile Poetry

Britney Spears must truly be gifted; it takes special talent to write a poem as abominable as this one about her honeymoon:

A honeymoon at last, to get away from it all
My assistant Fe gave me the call.
I remember it well, as she was smilin'
She said it was called Turtle Island.
I packed my bags light and quick,
Then grabbed my pink dress & favorite lipstick.
We hopped on a plane and took our flight
I slept really well, all through the night.
As we arrive, I turn and look out the door,
People are greeting us right at the shore.
A meal, a shower and some ice cream
Then I threw my man down, you know what I mean!
Magical nights filled with stars
Silence is golden, no running cars.
Private dinners, romantic fires
Little piece of heaven, whatever your heart desires.
Friendly 'hellos' and never goodbyes
When you're having fun, oh, how time flies!
As we sit and prepare to make our part
I thank you, Turtle Island, with all my heart!

Wow.  Just . . . wow.  You know, she's just a few anti-semitic verses away from becoming New Jersey's next poet laureate.

What's Next? The Beatles Endorse KFC?

I just saw a commercial for ESPN's X Games Hollywood. The Doors' fantastic Peace Frog provides the soundtrack. First Led Zeppelin sells out to Cadillac, now the Doors give up one of their very best tunes to Disney. Jim Morrison is rolling over in his grave, and the friggin' guy isn't even dead.

Why Lileks Can Walk Into Any High School in the Country and Rule

He saw Led Zeppelin in concert:

Speaking of classic rock: today backstage some of the musicians – high schoolers all – were talking about Led Zep in general, and Kashmir in particular. I wandered up, noted how I bought the album when it first came out. And then I said the magic words: I saw Zep in concert in ’77.”

Awe. I swear, a semi-circle formed around me. I felt like someone describing my role in a great battle.

"And so I looked to the guy next to me to see if he was rocking, but he had turned green, man, and I vowed that he had not rocked in vain so I said WHOOOOOO and the fellow next to me – never saw him before, or after, but I’ll never forget him – he took off his shirt and lit it on fire and waved it around his head like some Viking Bezerker just as Zep crashed into Immigrant Man, and I realized that we would forever pity the men who were not here to rock with us this day, for truly we had rocked in a way few have rocked since.

"And for an encore, my friends, they played Stairway to Heaven. No one saw that coming. No one."

Then they kicked his ass for being such a dork.

Worst. Songs. Ever.

Michele has been accepting nominations for the worst songs ever over at A Small Victory, and today gave us her list:

Run, Joey, Run; Put the Bone In, by Terry Jacks; Independence Day, by Martina McBride; and Have you Forgotten, by Darryl Worely.

All worthy nominations, to be sure. In the comment threads, The Night Chicago Died and Ironic were quite popular. Ironic, while really inane, doesn't bother me, and The Night Chicago Died doesn't make my list only because of Jack Black's parody of it in High Fidelity ("Angina's tough."). Here's my list, in no particular order:

• She's Like the Wind, by Patrick Swayze -- "She's like the wind . . . in my tree." 'Nuff said.
  
• Conquistador, by Procol Harum -- I crack up every time I hear the line "You reek of purity." The song is soooo pompous.
  
• In the Year 2525 (Exordium & Terminus), by Zager and Evans -- This song actually hit #1 on the Billboard charts in July 1969.
  
• Jukebox Hero, by Foreigner -- "But that one guitar/that felt good in his hand/and he knew right away . . . " It's like an auditory kick in the crotch.
  
• Shakin', by Eddie Money -- You could make a pretty good argument that a number of Eddie Money songs should be on this list, but, to my mind, Shakin' is the worst because it has the word "tits" in it. What, did a 6th grader write the lyrics?

Finally, for the worst band ever, for me it begins and ends with Manhattan Transfer. Their entire catalogue is one big suckfest.