I've never taken up a web meme before, because they've all seemed kind of lame. But, this one is good enough that I'll finally break my cherry. I found it here, on the outstanding Everyday Should Be Saturday.
1. What is the worst video/DVD you own? Thankfully, movies owned by spouses do not count (my wife has some real God-awful crap, e.g., Camp Cucamonga (starring a young Jennifer Aniston, Cliff Claven and the guy who played the leather-jacket-clad Eric on Head of the Class) and Simply Irresistable (starring Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Sean Patrick "I couldn't carry Sir Alec Guinness's jockstrap in a suitcase" Flanery)).
For my part, it has to be The Adventures of Ford Fairlane. Dice Clay at his finest, and Wayne Newton gives a tour-de-force performance. But it's still shit, and I know it. One could also argue that Rad is the worst, but Rad is cool in a "this movie was so sweet when I was 11 years old" kind of way. And, Bart Conner is dreamy.
2. What is the worst concert you've ever seen in person? This one should be tougher for me, since I've seen the Monkees (a reunion tour without Mike Nesmith) and DJ Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince. But, hands down, it has to be Jackyl. (Who, according to this site, had a fucking platinum album! That means there are, what?, at least ten million people out there that the government should step in a put to sleep.)
In my defense, it's not like I bought tickets specifically for Jackyl. They opened for Aerosmith, and my buddy Steve and I purposely arrived late, but we still caught about 15 minutes of their set. The worst part? The drummer played without pants. And our seats were behind the stage.
3. What is the worst experience you've ever had at a restaurant? This question is perfect for me. Everyone who has ever dined with me knows that I'm a magnet for shitty service. Either we'll be stuck at the table in the dining room's "dead zone," i.e., the one table that's really in no one's section, so every waiter thinks someone else has it covered, or the waitress will disappear for so long that you're ready to file a missing person's report.
I've had so many sub-par dining experiences that I can't choose one. I can't. I won't. I'll share with you three:
- Uno's, Dayton OH -- I used to work in downtown Dayton. There are only about 3 restaurants within walking distance, and one of them is Uno's. Under no circumstances would I have ever chosen to eat there otherwise, but I digress. I order a sandwich, asking to hold the tomato and honey mustard. Twenty-five minutes later (the usual wait for an entree -- perfect for a rushed business lunch!), the sandwich comes out with no tomato, and loaded with honey mustard. So I politely tell the waitress that that wasn't what I ordered, apologizing profusely for being difficult and having to send the sandwich back. So, fifteen minutes later (obviously they were really rushing to atone for the mistake), the sandwich comes out, again with the honey mustard. It was probably the same one, to be honest. Again, I politely explain the situation to the waitress, and this time ask for the sandwich to go, since I have to get back to work. And, knowing that they basically have a captive clientele since there's nowhere else to eat, the manager refuses to give me a break on my bill.
Another fifteen minutes go by, the sandwich comes out. I don't check it; I mean, why would I? They couldn't possibly fuck it up the same way three times, right? Wrong. I get back to my office, open the box, peel back the bread, and behold! The damned thing is slathered with honey mustard. I was about this close to firebombing the place.
- I'm in Detroit for my company's quarterly meeting. I'm having breakfast in a little coffee shop down the street from our office. I lift the top pancake to butter the middle one. Revealing an eight-inch black hair. And, instead of taking the meal off the bill, the owner offered me a free appetizer on my next visit. My next visit!
- My wife and I made the mistake of going to The Spaghetti Warehouse in Columbus on a Saturday night. After waiting almost two hours for a table, we're taken to a filthy booth, with no silverware, no menus, no nothing. Twenty minutes later, and not a single waiter has even glanced at our table. We throw up our hands, and seek out the manager. After politely explaining the situation, she asked, clearly annoyed, "What? Would you like another table?" Part of me just wanted to kill her and do the mandatory sentence.
4. What is the worst movie you've ever seen in the theater? I'm excluding here any movies that I took my wife to in hopes that I'd get laid afterward.
The worst movie I've seen in the theater is First Knight. But. This was also one of the best theater-going experiences I've ever had, because my buddy Steve and I managed to pull a MST3K routine that got some good laughs and actually drove people from the theater.
5. What is the worst book you've finished? Prince Caspian. It took me about three weeks to finish because I kept falling asleep. Honest to God. A close second: One Door Away from Heaven, by Dean Koontz. Its badness cannot be measured by existing technology.
6. Who is the worst looking or least appealing celebrity you would have intimate relations with "just to tell the story"? Assume marital or other obligations did not exist. Assume no consequences arise therefrom. This goes below the fold, because I don't want to get in trouble in the event that my wife happens to glance at the page. Honey, I'm sorry; I'm not proud of what I'm about to do.
Anna Nicole Smith, because even though she's FUBAR now, she was really hot when I was 19;
Monica Lewinsky, because, as the song says, I wanna see what the President sees; or
Laura Bush, because she has to be the hottest First Lady evaaaahhh.
I feel so dirty right now. I'm going to take a shower with bleach, brillo pads and a power washer.