Running at the Mouth

Running Quote of the Day

"The main thing we learn as we do more biomechanical research is how abysmally ignorant we are.  We really don't know what makes some people run faster than others.  I would beware of people who claim to have magic formulas."

--E.C. (Ned) Frederick, Ph.D

How to Deal With an Aggressive Dog . . . If You're a Pussy

Finally, Runner's World on-line posts a piece that combines my two favorite things (besides heroin and tranny hookers):  running and dogs.  Unfortunately, it's only useful if you're some kind of namby-pamby pantywaist:

What can you do to protect yourself from canines on the run? For answers, we went to dog training expert, Karen Peak, owner of West Wind Dog Training in Prince William County, Va. Below are her tips:

IF YOU ARE CHASED . . .

Slow down. Slow your run to a walk. "The prey instinct dogs have is triggered by fast movement," says Peak. "Slowing down to a walk makes you seem less interesting."

Walking sounds like a great idea.  I want to make it as easy as possible for the dog to catch me and chomp my ass.  Walking makes you seem less interesting, all right.  In the same way it's less interesting to buy a Thanksgiving turkey at the grocery instead of hunting it, shooting it, and cleaning it yourself.  Sorry, but that dog's gonna have to earn me.  I think the best idea is to get out of the dog's territory as fast as possible.  As soon as you leave, he'll leave.

Turn around. Turn and walk in the opposite direction of the dog.  Don't stare. "Staring a dog in the eyes can be interpreted as a threat by some dogs," warns Peak. "Keep the dog in sight, but avert direct eye contact."

Don't avert your eyes; you'll lose the dog's respect.  Let him know that you're the one with the cerebral cortex and opposable thumb, and you're not about to take any shit.  And what's this walking in the opposite direction nonsense?  If you let the dog tell you where you can go, the dog has won.  And so have the terrorists.

Be boring. If the dog approaches you, stop and stand very still. The more boring you are, the less you'll interest the dog.

See "Slow down," above.  The only thing worse than walking is to stop entirely.  Yeah, let the dog size you up, get a running start and really take aim at your crotch.  Sounds like a great plan.

Report it. If an aggressive dog continually threatens you on a run, choose a different route and file a report with animal control.

Once again, you follow this advice and you've let an animal with a brain 1/4 the size of yours (it's science) tell you what you can and can't do.  And you're a whiny tattletale to boot.  Man up, Nancy!

This is my favorite, though, because it's straight out of A Christmas Story:

IF YOU ARE ATTACKED . . .

Hit the ground. If the dog attacks, cover your head and curl into a ball. "Your best bet in an attack is to minimize access to the soft tissue areas such as your throat, face, and belly," says Peak.
Start yelling. But scream something that you know will get people's attention, such as "Fire!" "Help" may not do it.

Remember when they get ambushed by Scut Farkus ("So help me God, yellow eyes!") and his toadie Grover Dill ("In our neighborhood, you were either a bully, a toadie or among the nameless rabble of victims."), and the little brother who can't put his arms down plays dead? "Andy lay there like a slug.  It was his only defense."

Don't be such a fuckin' Mary.  Laying down only gives the dog easy access to your throat, face and stomach!  He's on four legs, man.  Unless it's an Irish wolfhound or a mastiff (in which case you're dead no matter what, so you should spend your last moments praying rather than walking away or stopping), the dog won't be as tall as you.  And will respect a well-placed kick to snout or ribs.

My advice is, don't let some dog be Alpha.  You be Alpha.  You're a grownup for chrissakes.

Running Quote of the Day

"God has given me the ability.  The rest is up to me."

--Billy Mills

Running Quote of the Day

"Interval training -- if it's done properly -- develops speed in a runner more quickly than any other form of training."

--Bill Dellinger

I Heart Maurice Stovall

Notre Dame beat Navy on Saturday, to no one's surprise.  As usual, the Middies played hard for 60 minutes.  Unusually -- until this season, that is -- Notre Dame played hard for 60 minutes as well.  And that's really been the biggest difference from last year to this:  every guy on the field gives his all on every play.  That's been the second most pleasant change from the previous regime.

The most pleasant change has been the emergence of Maurice Stovall as the wide receiver everyone thought he could be.  The past three years, he'd show a flash of brilliance, then disappear for games at a stretch.  This year, he has performed at a high level in every single game.  With dramatically improved hands and a leaner frame (Coach Weis reportedly told Maurice to lose weight, saying "I want to be the only fat guy."), Maurice has 50 catches for 796 yards and 9 TDs.  He can score in the red zone, like he did against BYU on the short hitch-'n-go.  He can score long, like he did against Tennessee on the skinny post.  He can run short outs, hitches and screens to move the chains.  The guy blocks like a demon downfield.  Finally, he's young:  Maurice won't turn 21 years old until after the season (and, notably, after he graduates -- I think Maurice is on track to graduate in December).  Maurice is a complete receiver now, and I hope NFL scouts have noticed.

Running Quote of the Day

"You don't need to be big or fast to achieve success -- just determined."

--Dr. Jack Daniels, Ph.D

Running Quote of the Day

"If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run --
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And -- which is more -- you'll be a Man, my son!"

--Rudyard Kipling

Truer Words Have Never Been Written

Two Saturday's ago, for just a moment, the following appeared in homes across the country:

Yes.  Yes he is.  Here is an interview with the guy who created and held the sign, Todd X (no last name as -- wouldn't you know it? -- he wants to work for ESPN), or, as I like to call him, "The Greatest Man Who's Ever Lived."

Notre Dame v. Navy And Other College FB Predictions

Notre Dame has faced Navy for 79 consecutive years, making it the longest running rivalry for ND and one of the longest in all of college football.  Notre Dame has won 41 in a row, and will certainly make it 42 in a row today.  The thing is, though, we will beat Navy -- probably badly -- and take no pleasure in it whatsoever.

That has as much to do with the respect Coach Weis and his players have for the Midshipmen's chosen career path -- as Coach Weis said in his press conference on Tuesday, "[t]hey're not going to take some cush job.  They're going to go represent our country.  It's a different mentality all together." -- as the fact that the two programs only exist because of the other.  You see, ND's and Navy's pasts are inextricably intertwined.  Before WWII, Notre Dame likely would have folded had U.S. Navy not stationed training facilities and an ROTC detachment on campus.  (The same offer was made to the Army, which declined.)  Later, Navy football was on the brink of extinction.  Father Hesburgh, to repay the favor, vowed to always play the Naval Academy, thus securing the football program's solvency.  Without the U.S. Navy, there might not be a Notre Dame today.  And without Notre Dame, Navy football might be just a memory.

That said, here's hoping that our backups (and their backups) get in the game early and often.

Other games:

• Northwestern at tO$U -- The line is -19, which seems awful high to me.  This is a classic trap game for Ohio State, what with Michigan next week.  Ohio State has two quarterbacks, neither of whom can throw, and Northwestern has an excellent senior quarterback in Brett Basanez.  It also has a freshman tailback from Ohio with something to prove, and Ohio State's running game is abysmal.  And let's not forget that Northwestern is coached by former Miami University Redskin Randy Walker.

As nice as it would be for ND to meet tO$U in the Fiesta Bowl and atone for losing to them two years in a row in the late '90s -- one of the many outrages of the Davieham era -- I want Northwestern to win not only because of the Miami connection but also because Ohio State has the worst, most asshole fans in the country and I want them to see a loss in the last home game of the season.  Unfortunately, I don't think it's going to happen, but it will be closer than 19 points.

• LSU at Alabama -- The line is +3.  Of course, it's the SEC, where offense has been as scarce as a Tennessee football player without an arrest record.  Will the team that will actually get into the end zone please step forward?  Not so fast, Alabama.
• Auburn at Georgia -- For whatever reason, Georgia is favored by three, so this is basically a pick-'em.  Auburn has beaten Georgia at Georgia 9 out of the last 11 times they've played.  D.J. may not play, and Joe Tereshinski is awful.  Auburn has two excellent running backs in Tristan Davis and Kenny Irons, both of whom cracked 100 yards last week (against Kentucky, but still).  I like Auburn to win outright.
• USC at Cal -- If Cal had its starting QB, I would think it has a shot.  And if a frog had wings, it wouldn't bump its ass a-hoppin'.  I hope SC rolls, rolls against UCLA, then gets housed by Texas.  As sweet as it would be to have another shot at ending SC's win streak next year (at SC, no less), I simply would not be able to handle SC's two-and-a-half-peat National Championship.
• Arizona State at UCLA -- I have no effin' clue.  Arizona State looked like a contender early, and has since shat the bed.  UCLA looked like the real deal, then they shat the bed against Arizona.  Still, I think UCLA bounces back and pummels ASU.  Just throw it to Marcedes Lewis every time.
• Illinois at Purdue -- I think I'd rather watch Mona Lisa Smile than this stinkburger.  If this is the only game on in your area, slit your effin' wrists.

Running Quote of the Day

"Run with your heart instead of your mind.  When you think with your mind, you think of what you can and can't do.  But when you run with your heart, you forget about what you can't do and just go out and do it."

--Gerry Lindgren