Newsday highlights the questions B-list and pseudo-celebrities would ask President Bush if given the chance. As you would imagine, it's a regular Algonquin Roundtable:
"I would say, 'Why is Viagra covered by health insurance, but birth control is not?' The average woman in her lifetime without birth control will have 12 to 15 pregnancies, and we have a regime - not an administration - that suppresses medically accurate sex education, access to birth control and information about family planning. The only thing I can figure is that they do want us all barefoot and pregnant... and I would love to say that to the president."
- Ashley Judd, Actress
Here's a fine example of a University of Kentucky education. What "average" woman gets pregnant 15 times? Or 12 times? Or even 5 times? More importantly, while her Viagra question is a good one (and I agree with her, by the way), I think she's asking the wrong guy. I'm not the smartest guy in the world, but I'm pretty sure all insurance plans aren't determined by Executive fiat. I'm also confused as to how birth control not being covered by health insurance causes no access to birth control. Condoms are, like, $10 a dozen (if this is wrong, cut me some slack; I've been married five years and haven't bought condoms since the Clinton Administration). Abstinence is still free. And suggesting that women having to pay full freight for birth control pills unfairly restricts access to same is like suggesting that me having to pay full freight for a Mercedes unfairly restricts my access to transportation.
"I'd ask him if he wants to try yoga. It seems like he's aged a lot from the stress that he's been through, but if you can quiet your mind and focus more on the inside to find inner peace and balance, you can achieve your best when you're in a conscious mode."
- Miss USA 2004 Shandi Finnessey
Deep. Nice to see Miss USA winners continuing to shatter stereotypes.
"I'd say, 'You should watch more news programs.'"
-Graham Norton, "The Graham Norton Effect" TV SHOW
I'd say watch fewer. I'd like my President to have accurate information before making any big decisions. I'm funny that way, though.
- Michael Imperioli, "The Sopranos"
Mr. Imperioli apparently didn't understand the point of this exercise.
"I'd pick his brain about gay marriage. I know he has gay friends and plenty of gay people around him, so I'd be interested in finding out, all politics aside, just how he rationalizes a constitutional amendment banning it when his vice president has a daughter who's a lesbian."
- Kyan Douglas, "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy"
I favor gay marriage, and I'm also curious about how Bush really feels about it on a personal level. But I can't for the life of me figure out how Douglas jumps from the FMA to Cheney's daughter being a lesbian. I thought we were putting all political considerations aside. Are Bush and Cheney's daughter close? Do they even know each other at all?
Finally, my favorite:
"When I walked into the Oval Office, I would covertly cause some minor mishap - spill my coffee, step on the president's toe - and immediately, sincerely, profusely apologize. Once my apology was accepted in the spirit in which it was offered, and the president and I had a mutual understanding regarding the inevitability of human error and the importance of owning up to one's misdeeds for the purposes of overall harmony in matters of etiquette even during time of political disagreement, I would say to him, 'You see how easy it is, and so profoundly necessary, to apologize when one has wronged?'"
- Daniel Handler, author, "Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Events"
Ooh, clever object lesson. Which Bush would no doubt fall for because he's, you know, stupid. Just look at him and how stupid he looks. I think it's obvious Handler is talking about the Iraq War here, but his example is assinine. Beyond his obscenely equating the liberation of Iraq with a spilled cup of coffee, Handler's whole premise is faulty. Purposely spilling your coffee isn't an accident or an inevitable human error. So, unless you apologize for doing it on purpose, your apology is spurious. Even worse, I think he cribbed the whole thing from Andy Rooney.
It wasn't all idiocy, though. Danny Aiello seems to get what's at stake. Soap actress Martha Byrne, whose husband is with the NYPD and was at Ground Zero, was also complimentary; it's refreshing to hear from the spouse of someone at risk that day besides The Jersey Girls.
[Link via Obscure Store.]